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It's weird being the same age as old people.

Keep rolling your eyes, bitch. Maybe you'll find a brain back there.

You're about one smart-ass comment away from being my co-star on an episode of Snapped.

When Mom says “no,” ask Grandma. When Grandma says “no,” call in the boss. That’s right… Great-Grandma. Great-Grandma’s rule.

I will not kill my coworkers. I will not kill my coworkers. I will not... OK maybe just one.

I’m putting myself in timeout until I can play nice this may take a while because stupid people are everywhere

There’s nothing I can’t do except reach the top shelf. I can’t do that.

29Lead me not into temptation. Oh, who am I kidding? Follow me. I know a shortcut.

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation is going to be epic.

Some of you came from the “If you stop crying, I’ll buy you something” generation. We came from the generation “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” We are not the same.

It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs & trip over completely nothing. I have that skill.

I may be a bitch, but at least I’m honest. I have no shame in my game… You just don’t like me because I see through your bullshit & I’m not afraid to call you on it. Deal with it, that’s what real bitches do.

These guns no longer identify as guns. They self-identify as hand-held wireless peacekeeping devices. You must accept them as such, or you are a racist bigot.

When Mom says "No", ask Grandma! When Grandma says "No", call in the boss. That's right... Great Grandma. Great Grandma's rule.

In my defense the moon was full and i was left unsupervised

God made a wolf from the breath of the wind, the beauty of the earth & the soul of an angel

Nope, can’t go to hell satan still has that restraining order against me!!!

The chain on my mood swing just snapped run

I’m going to let god fix it because if i fix it i’m going to jail

When i was young i was poor but after years of hard work i’m no longer young

If you kick me when i am down you better pray i don't get up

If you kick me when I am down, you better pray I don’t get up.

You can't throw me to the wolves they come when i call

People are asking me which sign i was born under i was born under a warning sign

My alone time is sometimes for your safety

If you could read my mind you would back away slowly and run for your life

You left me alone with my demons now you hate what i've become

Your first mistake was thinking i was one of the sheep

Fight me if you wish i am old for a reason

Before you go any further today is not the day and i am not the one

If guns kill people i guess cars drive drunk, pencils misspell words & forks make people fat.

we owe illegals nothing we owe our veterans everything

If you haven't risked coming home under a flag don't you dare disrespect it

WE DON'T KNOW THEM ALL, BUT WE OWE THEM ALL.

I am a grumpy veteran i served, i sacrificed i don't regret

I have two titles veteran & grandpa and i rock them both