Dad, no matter what life throws at you, at least you don’t have an ugly daughter

Back off, I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

I annoy stupid people and you are looking a bit upset right now.

Better worry about your own sins because God ain’t gonna ask you about mine.

Aging may have slowed me down, but it is yet to shut me up.

I’m not clumsy. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

Some grandmas cuss and will kick your ass if you mess with their grandkids. It’s me. I’m some grandmas.

Nope, I can’t go to Hell. Satan still has a restraining order against me.

When I die, I know one of my grandkids will lean in my coffin and whisper, “Can I play a game on your phone?”